Trevor Noah: "Are you serious? Trick-or-treating is cancelled? This is awful! So what, I'm going to have to mail all the kids in my neighborhood a ___?"
14A
Rhyme with "wise" in an old adage about bedtime
15A
Unit of area equal to 1/640 of a square mile or 43,560 square feet (who needs the metric system? We're doing fine!)
16A
Beginning, metaphorically
17A
The Great ___, a national symbol of the United States
Verticales
1D
Hipstery beer
2D
Jungle sounds
3D
Nickname for baseball player Osborne Smith, also appropriately nicknamed "The Wizard"
4D
Grey ___, high end vodka which tastes the same to me as rubbing alcohol, but at a much steeper cost